What I'm Trying to Say (Outtakes)
by TolkienScholar
Summary: Oneshot/Drabble Collection. Extra little snippets that for various reasons didn't make it into "What I'm Trying to Say." Currently contains tags for 1x4, 1x6, and 1x12.
1. It's Not Lying, It's Protecting

**A/N: This story was inspired by conversations with my sister, who frequently has nightmares in which she is being chased or attacked by bad guys or monsters. My nightmares, by contrast, usually involve someone in my family getting sick and/or dying. After one such dream, it occurred to me that these are most likely the primary types of nightmares Dean has, as well. Hence this story.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own** _ **Supernatural**_ **. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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 **MC4A Fill Number:** No Capes Required, Fill #4; Solemn Husbandry of Exultation, Fill #7; Paranormal Phantasm, Fill #10; Not Commonwealth, Fill #6; Terms of Service, Fill #10; By Any Other Name, Fill #16; Fandom List B ( _Supernatural_ ); Fire Time; Tiny Terror; He's My Brother; Wee!chesters; In a Flash  
 **Representations:** Dean Winchester; Winchester Family; Taking Care of Little Brother; Putting on a Brave Face; What's Out There in the Dark; Winchester™ Stubbornness and Pride  
 **Bonus Challenges:** Second Verse (Terse, Strange Potato, Creature Feature, Misshapen Pods, Non-Traditional)  
 **Word Count:** 637

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 **Tag to Ep. 1x4: "Phantom Traveler"**

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 **It's Not Lying, It's Protecting**

" _So, what, all this—it never keeps you up at night? Never? You're never afraid?"_

" _No, not really."_

He wasn't exactly lying to Sam. He isn't afraid—at least, not in the way Sam means. What's to be afraid of? He knows how to kill just about everything that's out there. He's got a silver knife under his pillow, and salt and holy water within easy reach. Ain't nothing going to come after him, asleep or awake, that he can't handle.

No, the nightmares Dean has are of a different kind. Dad not coming back was always a big one. Him and Sammy, holed up in a motel somewhere, waiting for Dad's secret knock on the door and it never coming. Sammy asking him questions he can't answer while he tries to figure out how long to wait and what to do next. Trying to call Uncle Bobby or Pastor Jim and getting no answer, being on his own, alone in the world with no one but his little brother who's counting on him to keep him safe. Sometimes he used to wake up from a dream like that and not be sure it wasn't real because Dad was still gone. Then he'd reach over and grab his sawed-off to check the ammo, get up to make sure the salt line around Sammy's bed was still intact. He needed to get as good at protecting Sammy as he could, just in case that nightmare ever came true.

Of course, now it _has_ come true, if a little later than he'd feared. And the worries Dean has about what might be happening to Dad now… well, that's not something Sam needs to hear about.

Anyway, the nightmares about Dad were never the worst ones. It's the dreams about Sam, now as then, that really haunt him. And they didn't just start after Mom died; he has distinct memories of Mom carrying him into baby Sammy's room one night after a horrible dream where he was carrying his little brother and dropped him and Sammy broke in two. Dean had run into his parents' room screaming and crying, begging Mom to fix baby Sammy. Not until he'd gotten into the crib with his (by-then howling) little brother and held him tight could Dean be convinced to calm down and go to sleep.

After Mom's death, the bad dreams and the need for reassurance of his brother's safety had become almost a nightly thing, though the dangers to Sammy in his dreams were now very different—ghosts, wendigos, werewolves, and, more than anything else, fire. Eventually, as Sammy got older, Dean stopped climbing in bed with him every night, but he still had to get up to make sure his dreams weren't real, that his brother was okay. Even during the Stanford days, there had been more than one time when Sam had answered his phone in the middle of the night only for the anonymous caller on the other end to hang up after hearing his groggy, "Hello?"

It's easier to check on Sam now, with the two of them back in the same motel room like they used to be, only Sam doesn't sleep anymore. Dean wakes up at 3:00 in the morning, and there's Sam, his face looking tight and exhausted in the sickly blue glow from the crappy television set. It's a lot better than how Dean was seeing him a moment ago—burning alive inside their old house, while he tried in vain to make his body move to run in and save him—but it's still a long way from okay.

So when Sam starts asking him the next morning about his own fears, Dean quickly shoves them under the rug and answers as nonchalantly as he can. It's not lying, it's protecting. It's just what he does.


	2. Friends Don't Lie

**A/N: I started this as a oneshot for** _ **What I'm Trying to Say**_ **, but then the chapter for Ep. 1x6 veered off into something quite a bit darker, and I was left with this little piece that didn't fit. And yes, the title is a reference to what you think it's a reference to. I couldn't resist.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own** _ **Supernatural**_ **. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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 **Word Count: 450**

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 **Tag to Ep. 1x6: "Skin"**

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 **Friends Don't Lie**

For the most part, Sammy seems to be readjusting to the hunting lifestyle. Dean was worried he might have a lot of re-teaching to do after Sam flipped out about him turning up in his apartment in the middle of the night, but from the moment his brother picked up the EVP on Dad's voicemail, it's been business as usual. It's good to get back to being the action guy and leave the research side of things to Sammy again. Working alone with Dad the last few years, Dean's been forced to take on that role, but it's never been what you could call a good fit.

The one thing his brother hasn't acclimated to is the lying. Sammy's face told him it was going to be an issue the first time Dean pulled out the box of fake IDs, and Sam's been riding his tail about it ever since. True, he and Dad have expanded their repertoire quite a bit—U. S. Marshals, National Park Service, even Homeland Security most recently. But it's not just the illegal stuff; Sam's even gotten squeamish about the old fallbacks—medical students, reporters, coworkers of the deceased. He'll play the game in public if he has to (though sometimes he can't be counted on to do that), but behind closed doors, it's become a major point of contention. It seemed like a windfall when Dean learned about Sam fudging to his college buddies about what he's been up to the last few weeks. At least he can no longer pretend to be so innocent.

Still, Dean wasn't expecting him to give up his scruples so quickly, which is why the "Dean's a cop" line hits him totally out of left field. If he'd had a few minutes' warning, he might have at least been able to grab an ID badge. Instead, he's scrambling just to think of the name of a town: "Bisbee, Arizona. But I'm off duty now." The place they ought to be at the moment, the only place he can think of quickly enough not to arouse suspicion. That's the problem with these spur-of-the-moment lies. When you're working a case, if a lie falls through, it falls through; with friends you have to at least maintain the appearance of honesty. It's the main reason Dean gave up on friends a long time ago.

Family's easier to lie to. They don't have to believe you, but at least they can't throw you out on your rear end if they don't.


	3. A Perfect Team

**A/N: This is the first of these stories I wrote, the one where all the Winchester feels really started kicking in. If you want to see my original "squeeing" A/N, it's down at the bottom. ;)**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own** _ **Supernatural**_ **. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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 **Tag to episode 1x12: "Faith"**

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 **A Perfect Team**

Sam looks up from his computer as he hears a massive groan from somewhere under the mound of covers on Dean's bed. It's the first sound his brother has made since Sam's last failed attempt to wake him, and Sam hopes it might be a sign his brother is returning to the world of the living.

Sure enough, the pile of blankets begins to stir. "What time is it?" Dean asks hoarsely.

"Eight," Sam replies, turning back to the computer screen.

"In the morning?"

"PM."

Dean sits up, rubbing his forehead. "You're telling me I slept through the whole day?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why didn't you wake me up, dude?"

"I tried. Couldn't even get you semi-conscious. I figured after almost dying twice in the same week, you must've needed the rest."

Dean grunts something that sounds like agreement. "I feel like I got hit by a truck."

A worry that has been festering in the back of Sam's mind comes suddenly roaring to the front again. "Dean? You don't think releasing the Reaper could have, I don't know, undone all the healings he did?"

"Not unless it also brought a bunch of dead people back to life, in which case we have a whole different problem." He looks at Sam, who's not particularly reassured and knows he's probably showing it. Dean rolls his eyes. "Kidding, Sam. I'm fine. I just feel like I could eat an elephant and then sleep for another twelve hours, that's all."

Sam lets out a breath. "Well, the elephant might be a problem, but as far as sleeping goes, I'm thinking you should definitely take as much time to recover as you need. It's not like there's anywhere we've gotta be."

"You find any new cases for us?"

"No." Sam slams the laptop shut, hiding the half dozen articles about mysterious deaths he has pulled up on the screen.

"Okay, fine. Whatever, dude." Dean leans back against the pillows. He looks rough—bleary-eyed, pale, unshaven. There's a raw sullenness to his tone, as though his tenuous hold on that devil-may-care persona is starting to slip. It scares Sam, more than he cares to admit.

"So what do you want to eat?" he asks, trying to bring them back to safer territory.

"Pizza," Dean answers, a small smile pulling up the left corner of his mouth.

"There's a Pizza Hut right down the street. What kind do you want?"

"Meat Lover's. Two large Meat Lover's pizzas with stuffed crust."

Sam smirks and reaches for his phone. He dials the number and puts in an order for delivery of two large Meat Lover's with stuffed crust and a large cheese, thin crust.

Dean frowns at him as he hangs up. "Haven't you eaten yet?"

"I got breakfast and lunch. I was holding out on dinner hoping you'd wake up."

"Oh."

There's a long silence. Sam is itching to reopen the laptop and get back to his research, if for no other reason than to distract his attention from Dean's haggard face. But his brother will want to know what he's found, and then he'll get fired up about a new case and want to take off before he's fully rested, and Sam isn't about to allow that.

"Sammy?"

"Yeah?"

"About you taking me to that faith healer—it wasn't a good idea, and you should've looked into it more and found out what we were getting ourselves into—"

"I know, we talked about this. I'm sorry—"

"But, uh…" Dean picks furiously at a loose thread in the comforter, his eyes carefully avoiding Sam's. "But I know why you did it. Your heart was in the right place and, um, I'm still here, so…"

Sam smiles privately as he realizes what he means. "You're welcome."

"I really am crap at all this 'talking about your feelings' stuff, aren't I?" Dean says with a grin.

Sam chuckles. "You are. But it's okay, I can usually figure out what you're trying to say."

"I guess that's what makes us a good team, huh?"

Just then there's a knock at the door. "I have three pizzas for David Berkowitz?" a voice calls.

Sam groans and gets up to answer it. "Yep, a perfect team. Hey listen, next time we scam a credit card company, _I'm_ gonna pick the names. I was thinking we could do something nice and non-serial killer-y for a change, all right?"

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 **Original A/N:**

 **So after more than 4 years on FFN, I'm somehow only just getting into the Supernatural fandom and... WHAT HAVE I DONE? It's my third day in the fandom, I just finished episode 12, and I. Have. So. Many. Feels. Also, Dean Winchester is officially my new crush.**

 **Tag to just before the end of 1x12: "Faith," because I needed more brother fluff after Dean almost died twice in the same episode.**


	4. Cross the Line

**A/N: While I knew my new tag for "Faith" needed to be from Dean's POV, this scene, with all it left unspoken, really drew my attention to what Sam must have been thinking and feeling in this episode. He could hardly have failed to see the parallels between Sue Ann's situation and his own, or to recognize the implications. Dean didn't actually go there, but there is no doubt in my mind that Sam did.**

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own** _ **Supernatural**_ **. No copyright infringement is intended.**

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 **MC4A Fill Number:** Shadows of Consequence, Fill #3; Paranormal Phantasm, Fill #3; By Any Other Name, Fill #6  
 **Representations:** Sam Winchester; Winchester Family; Black Magic; Saving Someone at Any Cost  
 **Bonus Challenges:** Terse, Second Verse (Misshapen Pods, Tomorrow's Shade, Non-Traditional)  
 **Word Count:** 300

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 **Tag to Ep. 1x12: "Faith"**

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 **Cross the Line**

"To cross a line like that… a preacher's wife… black magic, _murder_ …" Sam trails off, shaking his head. It all adds up: the deaths that are too similar for coincidence, the Coptic cross in the tent and around Sue Ann's neck, the well-worn spellbook he's holding in his hands... But, even so, he can't fathom it. "Evil."

"Desperate," Dean corrects him. "Her husband was dying; she'd have done anything to save him. She was using the binding spell to keep the reaper away from Roy."

"Cheating death. Literally." He meets Dean's eyes, and the air between them hangs heavy with things unspoken. Because how different is what Sam did, really? He hauled Dean out here to Nebraska, took him to some faith healer he only barely vetted before getting them on the road, not taking the time to see if the guy was for real or if there might be something more sinister going on behind the miracles. Because Dean was dying, and Sam would have done anything to save him. In that moment, he just didn't care, and truth be told, he still doesn't. Yes, Marshall Hall is dead, but Dean is alive, and Sam's glad they didn't know. He hasn't wanted to ask himself if he would do it again, because he knows he'd give the wrong answer.

But the question hanging between them now, the one he prays Dean will never ask, is far worse: What else might he have done? If, instead of the faith healer, it was this book he had found… would he have done what Sue Ann did? He's no preacher's wife, but he's supposed to be one of the good guys; could he cross a line like that, if it was Dean's life at stake? He doesn't know. And that terrifies him.


End file.
